Hopeless Wanderer
by detective-smartypants
Summary: 'You've always wondered what it would be like to live, but you can't stop yourself from feeling like you don't deserve life.' A story that follows Callie through hardships. Having a supportive family might be the only thing that can save her, should she choose to stop pushing them so far out of her life.
1. Night Terror

Sometimes you wake up at 4am, covered in a light sheen of sweat, struggling to breathe. It's something that you never found to be the biggest burden in your other homes. Back then, it was safer to be awake than to be asleep. You do what you always do in this situation and you creep down to the kitchen, where you pour a cold glass of water and sit down at the table with your eyes focused on the wall opposite you.

Sometimes, you find yourself running your hand along the faded wood of the table and imaging all the life that this room has held over the years. It's something that you have never really witnessed before. Life. The people in this house don't just survive, but they thrive. They love, they laugh, the live. It's wonderful to witness at times, but you always stand apart and watch, weary to join in, scared to get attached. Jude loves it, and you can't help but be happy to see him feel so warm and surrounded by people who don't treat him like just a possession. You wish he could understand like you do, though. If you get attached, it will hurt ten times more when they take you away. Because they will take you away.

It scares you to think that you might never get to feel anything close to this again in your life when you pack your bags and move on to another house, another family, another situation. You wait for the bad to come every day because it always has and, when it doesn't happen, you wake up in the middle of the night full of a feeling that you can't quite describe. It's not good or bad, it's just there, in the pit of your stomach, nagging at you, reminding you that you _can _feel.

A noise makes you aware that you are not alone and a hand on your shoulder slightly startles you, you whip your head around and see a tired Stef standing behind you with a concerned expression on her features. You hate when they worry because you've never had anyone worry before and you don't quite understand how to respond.

"You should be asleep." she speaks quietly and takes a seat right next to you, rubbing her hand up and down your back. It's nice. "You okay?"

You nod shyly and look down at your hands because you've never been a big fan of eye contact and you don't want to talk about things because being honest is hard.

It's obvious that she doesn't believe you because she stays like that, not saying a word, running her hand comfortingly on your back and staring across the room at the wall.

"Do you wake up in the middle of the night a lot?" She asks, ten minutes into blissful silence.

"I guess. Not all the time, but it happens." You look at her and she narrows her eyes and takes her hand away from your back to rest on your hand.

She nods and takes a deep breath, you can hear birds chirping outside, it makes you feel a little more secure. "I used to wake up during the night all the time before I met Lena."

You nod a little and you close your eyes. You want to block out the sounds and the feelings and the sights. You want to be alone, because then you don't have to be guarded Callie and you can be normal Callie.

You only cry when you know everyone is asleep our out. You only ever say what you are feeling through words in a journal and you never let anyone see. You are guarded because you have to be. You always have been. Sometimes you realise that Stef is like you in some ways. It's been three months since they took you in and you've formed a bond with this woman without wanting it. It only really becomes obvious sometimes like when you were sick with the flu and she was the only one you let comfort you. She's stubborn like you, but she's a much better person than you will ever be. She's kind and she has a huge heart and warm eyes like you've never seen before. You love Lena, too. She's supportive and comforting but you always remind yourself that you can't form yet another connection, so you build your walls higher for her.

"It stopped because I wasn't bottling things up inside. The doctor said that stress causes really bad Insomnia. I used to wake up at 3am every single night and I'd just wander the house, make tea, watch TV. I hated it because it made me feel so awful every day, but I couldn't avoid it. Not until I started to be honest with myself and open up with others."

You shake your head and take your hand away from under hers, hoping that the warmth will stay there for a little longer. "It's not the same thing." You mumble it with a tone of annoyance that makes a flash of disappointment appear across Stef's features. "I'm nothing like anyone here."

Sometimes, darkness consumes you. It seeps through your pores and it fills your entire body and it's like daggers in your lungs when you inhale. What's worse though, is when you exhale and it transfers onto other people. You don't mean to be this way, you wish you could just be a regular teenager like Mariana, but you're not and you never will be. You're so many things and not one of them are good.

"Callie…"

"It's 5am. I'm gonna go shower."

Stef stands up and moves towards you, shaking her head. "You need to trust us, Callie. You have to be honest with us."

"Maybe you think it's that easy," you say "but I have experience and I know what happens when I trust people. It only ends bad."

Before she can respond, you are leaving the room and padding towards the bathroom, ready to prepare yourself for another long day of pretending to fit in.


	2. I speak because I can

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys! This will be a multi-chapter fic for those of you who have asked. **

"Dinner's ready!" Stef's voice floats down the hall and you close your eyes and sigh. You've been in bed since you got home from school because, for some reason, you don't feel like being around people. You've managed to play a whole new song on guitar, write a little in your journal and complete your math homework, so you know you can't get into trouble for being lazy.

The smell of chicken floats into the room and you hear your stomach rumble. You are hungry, but for some reason you don't feel like eating, so you lay back on your bed and close your eyes, hoping no one really notices your absence at the table.

You stay that way for a while, until you hear a knock at the door and the bed dips down because someone is sitting there. You don't bother opening your eyes because you know it's either Lena or Stef.

"Callie, time to wake up, dinner is on the table."

Lena's voice is soft. It's something that struck you the moment you met her. It's soft and warm, and sometimes you want to wrap it around you like a blanket because it makes you feel safe and comfortable. It's funny though, because the more she speaks to you, the more you want to push her away. If there's one thing that you know, it's that you don't deserve that sort of comfort.

You mumble something about not being hungry and you expect her to leave, but seconds later there is a cool hand on your forehead and you open your eyes to see her standing over you with a worried look on her face.

"Are you sick?"

There is part of you that wants to say yes to her question because you know that if she thinks you are sick she won't convince you to go downstairs. But you also know that if you tell her that you are sick, she will coddle you and that's something you could do without, aswell. So you shrug your shoulders, close your eyes, and tell her that you just don't feel like any food right now.

It does the trick, and you hear her leaving the room and wandering down stairs and you expect that you will be left alone for the rest of the night.

You must have fallen asleep, because when you hear a knock at the door and you open your eyes, it's darker outside and someone is in the shower. You can hear Mariana and Brandon arguing across the hall and dishes being done down in the kitchen.

You look up and Stef is leaning on the door frame, smiling.

"You think you could try and eat now?" she asks, walking over to the bed and sitting down on the edge. You shake your head.

"Callie, you need to eat something. Does your stomach hurt? I could get you some aspirin?"

You sit up and cross your legs, it takes all of your energy and you realise that lack of sleep is really catching up on you. "I just don't have an appetite. I'll be okay once I've gotten some sleep."

"Something's on your mind." It's a statement, which strikes you as odd. No one has ever really noticed when you've been upset in previous homes and you wonder how Lena and Stef seem to do it so well. You could stub your toe up the stairs and they would ask you if you're okay from down the stairs. It's fascinating, but it's also terrifying. You're a closed book and you always have been. You're Callie the wall builder, Callie the isolator. The idea of someone tearing open the book and reading all your words absolutely terrifies you because you never want anyone to see what's inside. There are big long words and there's awful storylines and you'd rather keep them locked inside rather than have them seep out of the pages and infect the air.

"Uh…yeah, um, bad maths test."

"Hey," she takes your hand and you don't like how she does it so often without your permission. You wish that she could walk away and leave you to think alone. "We're right here, love. We're right here and we trust you and we need you to be honest with us. Talk to us. Bottling things up is bad, hon."

"no offence," you whisper tiredly, "but I'm getting pretty tired of all of this 'were here for you' talk. You and Lena are great, but you have to stop treating me like your child. You have to stop asking me if I'm okay and if I need anything because, pretty soon, I'll have to fend for myself again and I don't want to lose anything."

"lose anything?"

You shake your head in defeat, wondering how she doesn't understand what you mean and you stand up from the bed.

"I don't want to lose a good home, and a good family. I would rather be alone while I'm here because as soon as I let you in, I'll be alone somewhere else."

When you enter the bathroom, you lock the door and stand in front of the large mirror on the wall. You don't observe yourself much, because there's never really a time that you like what you see. There are bags under your eyes and you notice that your skin is paler than it has been in a while. You see yourself like an x-ray machine; every single piece of you, all the bad wrapping over your bones, all of the pain coursing through your veins. You sometimes wish that you could stop. You wish it could all end. But then you remember Jude and his innocence and his dependence on having you around and you know that leaving this world isn't an option for you because, even though you don't need anyone else, there is one person in this world that needs you.

You've thought about cutting. People say that it sort of helps when you're filled with poison. You wonder what it would feel like to let some of the darkness inside you get out. But you are scared of blood.

"_You're not disposable, Callie. You're not worthless." _

Stef's words creep into your mind and you laugh bitterly because you _are _disposable_. _You _are _worthless. You are a burden. You are a pain. You are bad. You are wrong. You are ugly. People say that it doesn't matter what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts.

You wonder what Stef and Lena would think of you if they could see the Callie that you see every day in the mirror.

You turn on the tap when you feel tears well up in your eyes. It's one thing for them to sense that something is wrong, but it's another thing entirely for them to _know. _

Tears turn into a soft cry, which turns into sobs, which turns into hyperventilating, and before you know it, you are on the floor having a full blown panic attack. You try and even out your breathing, but for some reason it just doesn't work. You hear blood coursing through your veins and rushing past your ears, you see black dots in your line of vision, you feel like throwing up.

Someone is knocking at the door and you aren't sure whether or not you should unlock it because you are scared they might worry, or shout, or laugh. You're ashamed for letting this happen since it hasn't happened in months.

_Keep it together, Callie. Breathe, come on, you can do it. _

Self-motivation doesn't work, and you reach up and unlock the door, terrified that you are about to pass out.

Through the fuzziness in your vision, you see Stef and Lena both enter the room and the door closes behind them. At least no one else has to see.

Lena is directly in front of your face and somehow her soft voice cuts through the loud rushing sound. It makes the black spots disappear. There's a cold wetness on your neck and you realise Stef must be putting a cold wet towel back there in an effort to bring you back to reality.

Warm brown eyes are willing you to breathe and somehow everything begins to slow down.

"That's great, Callie. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Slow and steady."

And just like that, you can breathe.


	3. Watch over

**A/N: Wow! Thanks so much for the kind reviews. To the person who asked that I stop writing in this POV, I'm not sure that I can just change the way I write now that I'm in to it and, honestly, it's the only way I really enjoy writing. If I were to change it, I don't think I'd be able to actually get into the story myself. So, I hope it becomes less confusing for you. **

**I will be including different people's points of view later in the story, but for now we're really only focusing on Callie. I hope you are all having a good day (: **

**Thanks again! **

You used to dream about your mom. She would be standing over you with a smile on her face and she would reach down and push hair out of your face and tell you how beautiful you were. You would wake up with the start of a smile on your face and then you would remember, quite suddenly, that she was gone. When the dreams stopped, you wondered if you would forget her face. You wondered if you would forget her smile, or what her hand felt like on your face but somehow the memories seemed to stick with you.

It's been three years since those dreams stopped and you seem to have forgotten what colour her hair was. Part of you remembers it being blonde, but you wonder if maybe it was actually brown. It doesn't matter how hard you try to think, or how many times you close your eyes, you just can't picture it. It terrifies you to think that she might be fading from your memory and you don't have any pictures because you lost a lot of your belongings in one of your first foster homes.

"Callie?"

You take your eyes away from the window and see Jude standing behind you with a worried look on his face. You smile right away, because you never like to worry him.

"What's up, bud?"

Jude sits down on your bed and he shrugs his shoulders. "I was thinking about Mom."

_Of course _you think _of course he is. _

You can't believe it's been 10 years since you last saw her. You can't believe you managed to survive 10 whole years without her next to you. This day, 10 years ago, you became a foster kid. Part of the system that would continue to let you down over and over and over again. This day, 10 years ago, you lost the only person who ever actually made you feel at home.

When your mom died and your dad went to Jail, you heard someone saying how it was for the best that you and Jude didn't have to be treated bad any more. You were young, but the words stuck with you, because you didn't understand why anyone would think that your mom leaving was for the best. They said that she was a bad mom because she never left _him _and you know that they were wrong. Your mom loved you, she loved Jude. Sure, some of the things she did were selfish, but she never treated either of you with anything but love. Deep down, you understand why she stayed with him despite his verbally and, sometimes physically, abusive nature. She was scared of him, she was scared of what would happen if she wasn't part of him anymore. She never intended to hurt anyone and it hurts you to think that, because of that, she died.

"I do, too, bud." You wrap your arms around Jude and you are grateful for the comfort that it gives you. You always feel sad on the anniversaries, but you never tell Jude just how much it hurts you.

"Do you remember her?" His voice is barely a whisper when he asks you and it takes you by surprise because you have spent the entire day asking yourself the exact same question. Do you remember her? Or do you remember an idea of what she was like?

"She was great." You think about it for a while, how you are going to describe her to him. How do you explain the way her voice sounded? Do you even remember? How do you explain all the reasons she loved you both? How do you describe all the reasons that you love her?

"She used to take us out in the car," You remember those days clearly even though you were so small. How she used to grab your hand and give you a huge smile and wrap you and Jude up warm with scarves and hats and she would lead you out to the car with Jude in her arms and push you both inside and chirp that you were going for ice cream even though it was dark outside and freezing cold. "When dad was…sick…she would bundle us up in all these clothes during the winter and we'd get in the car and drive. I loved it, because no one else I knew got to go out in the car at night time just to drive. We would drive and drive and drive for…I don't know…it felt like hours…and we would get ice cream. You would be crying at first, but then you would just go quiet and watch me and mom laughing in the front of the car and we knew it meant that you were happy."

"Howcome you never told me that?"

You wonder why you haven't. Maybe because you are a little selfish, because it's your memory and you have always liked holding it inside of you. You always like the way it makes your head feel when you think about it. But you know that Jude was there, too. It wouldn't have been the same if he hadn't been, and you wonder why you never said it before because it's always been you and Jude. Even then, when it was the three of you, you would sneak over to his cot in the middle of the night and stare at him because he was so sweet and he never had to really see it when your dad was shouting at your mom. You loved to sing him to sleep when your mom was too tired to do it. You wonder if your mom knew that, one day, it might not be the three of you any more. Maybe that's why you would sometimes find her standing at the door way watching you sing with silent tears in her eyes.

"I don't know…you never really ask about her. She loved us a lot."

Jude thinks for a moment and he nods his head. "Do you think that she watches over us? I mean…if she does…do you think she'll be sad when we get adopted by someone?"

You smile and ruffle his hair. You used to wonder the same thing yourself, but years of hurt made you realise that she was completely gone. If your mom was there, if she was really watching you, she would have saved you a long time ago because no one would let their child become what you have. Would she still love you if she saw you now?

"I think that she's inside of us; part of us. I think that, all those times when you have been weak but something has pushed you to keep going…that's her. Or when you feel like crying, but something makes you laugh? I think that is her. I don't think she's watching over us, because I think that she is the parts of us that feel good. We will always have her there. She will always push us towards what's right…like family and home."

"I think that she led us to Stef and Lena." He looks at you and he smiles widely "I know you don't want to love them, because I know this isn't for good. But I think that we're here for a reason. I think that we're here to heal so that we can move on to another home that will keep us for good. I think that she led us here so that we could be okay for a while."

You wish that you could feel the same way as Jude does. You can see it in him every time he looks at them, that he loves them and that he needs them. But you feel a little more estranged about it all, or at least part of you pushes away your ability to feel the same way. You _want _to need them, but you _can't. _

"Yeah," you say. "Yeah, I think you're right."


	4. 10 years

It is tradition on the anniversary of your Mothers death to spend the day with Jude, no matter what your living situation is. After you talk with him, you let Stef and Lena know that you are taking him out somewhere and you have your phone on you and you both head out around lunch time.

There is $37 in your savings jar and you pull out every penny of it, intending to give Jude a day he will enjoy. You catch a bus and head into the nearest town and look for somewhere to eat. Jude tells you he wants a burger and so you both end up in an In-n-out, sharing fries and eating your own burgers.

"Could we visit her?"

10 years down the line and you still find it hard to go near the grave. Maybe it's because you don't like that it's supposed to offer you closure. You were never given the opportunity to say goodbye to your mom and the last thing that you ever said to her wasn't exactly warm and loving. You often ask yourself if your mother dying was the reason that you ended up so cold later in life, but lately you've been wondering whether or not you've always been this way.

You don't exactly blame what happened to her on yourself because, really, it was his fault and the police reports have proven that, his absence has proven that. Still, it hurts when you think about the facts. If you hadn't been having an argument with her that night, there's a large chance that she would never have gone out for ice cream and left you with the sitter. If you had never shouted at her, she probably never would have asked him to take her to dairy queen.

To this day, you still find it hard to enjoy the stuff. You tell people that it's too cold, it makes you sick. You never tell anyone that a part of you finds it hard to hear the word ice cream without flashing back to the night that she went out for some and never brought any home.

"I don't think we can this year, bud, I don't know which busses will take us there."

Jude slumps forward in his chair and shrugs his shoulders tiredly. "It's Saturday, Cal, Lena isn't working."

"So?"

"Well," He gives you his best 'puppy dog' look and slurps up the last of his drink before continuing his thought, "You know that she'd be happy to take us if we ask."

How could you say no? All he wants to do is lay some flowers and say some words and you know that he is right. Lena would be more than willing to take you there.

You sigh and cover up your half-eaten burger, unwilling to finish it. "Sure, I'll ask."

Lena answers the phone fairly quickly and you always find it surprising how these women are so ready for anything that happens with their kids at all times.

"Callie?"

"H-hey, uh…" You know that she is probably currently cooking lunch for everyone else and you don't want to worry her, you should get the words out quicker, but you _really _don't want her to say yes. "Are you busy just now?"

"Not really, what's up?"

"Well…" You are sitting outside In-n-out alone waiting on Jude to go to the bathroom and you take the opportunity to ask about visiting the cemetery "Jude was wondering if maybe, um, maybe you could possibly take us to my moms grave later? It's okay if you don't have the time or whatever; I just thought I'd ask…"

The line goes silent for a moment and you think that she is probably going to say that there's too much going on in the house today for a trip in the car, but then you hear her ask Brandon and the twins if they're okay alone. You want her to say no. Please say no. "Of course, hon. Where are you guys now? I could pick you up and head straight from there."

"We're at the mall, We could wait outside for you."

"Okay, that's fine. I should be there in about twenty minutes." She stops talking for a moment and you wait for the line to go dead, but then she takes a deep breath. "Callie?"

"Yeah?"

"I heard you and Jude talking this morning. Why didn't you tell me about today?"

There are many reasons that you don't tell people when it's the anniversary. The words feel like blisters on your tongue, even years down the line. Saying the words 'my mom died' fills you with a horrible feeling of loss and you think it's strange that so many people say that you eventually move on because its been 3652 days and you still feel it so hard in your heart that it's often hard to take a deep breath.

"I don't know, I just don't like to bother people."

"You can never bother us."

* * *

The cemetery is quiet.

Jude had picked up some flowers before Lena picked you up and he strides right over to the grave and places them down on the ground. When you were younger, he asked what her favourite flowers were and you told him orchids. She had never told you this fact, but you always remember the tattoo on her wrist of an orchid and you just assumed that they meant something to her.

The air is dense and you stand behind Jude as he kneels down on the ground. There are no flowers left from previous visits and you wonder if the wind maybe swept away the orchids he had left the last time you visited, two years ago.

"Hey mom," he mumbles, tracing his hand along her name on the stone as if to feel some comfort. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I hope you can. Things are good here, I'm in a new school and we're being fostered by a really good Family."

Lena is standing a few feet behind you, smiling.

"I have a new friend and he's really great."

You feel sick.

"I hope that you are okay, wherever you are. I don't really remember you that much, but Callie tells me about you sometimes when I can't sleep. Like, how we used to go out for ice cream. She told me that you would sing me to sleep and read me stories and I like to picture that when I'm feeling sad. I love you, Mom. I miss you."

The loss doesn't affect Jude as much as it does you. He doesn't cry about her often and you are happy to know that he's been able to live his life happily with just words about the type of person she was. You wish that you could give him your memories so that he could understand more of what she is like because you think it must be hard to not remember.

"Callie takes good care of me, Mom. You would be proud."

You almost laugh because you know that she would feel anything but proud of who you are. Proud of what? Proud of the way you ended up in Juvie? Proud of the way you left Jude alone with that man? Proud of the way you look at yourself in the mirror? Proud of the anger that burns inside of you every day?

If you ever have a daughter and she turns out like you, would you be able to love her?

A hand on your shoulder takes you away from your thoughts and you turn around to see Lena giving you a soft 'im sorry' look.

"Aren't you going to say something?"

What would you say?

You think about that with every passing day that you don't talk to her. There's not much point, because she isn't listening to you. What would you say to her that would make her understand the things you've done? If she was really listening _could _you say something?

Probably something along the lines of _Dear mom, sorry for being such a colossal disappointment, hope you are happy out there. _

"I'm okay."

What you are right now is the complete opposite of _okay. _10 years. 10 years without her. 10 years alone. 10 years an orphan. 10 years taking care of Jude. 10 years without her arms. 10 years without her laugh. 10 years without her smile. 10 years without a mom.

You can feel yourself welling up and you want Jude to hurry up. You never wanted to come here in the first place and you definitely don't want to be here right now. You want to run, fast. You want to feel your lungs burn and your legs hurt, because it's better than this feeling of loss in the pit of your stomach. You want to be anywhere but here.

When Jude is finished talking and Lena suggests heading back to the car, you can't seem to take your eyes from the spot of the stone. Your feet feel routed to the ground. Considering the fact that two seconds earlier you want to run, you feel like you need to stay.

"You guys go ahead," you mumble. "I'll be right there."

Once you are sure that they have walked out of earshot, you kneel down at the grave and your fingers whisper over your mothers name engraved in the stone. You sigh. Ten years ago, when you reached out, you could trace her face with your fingers and now all you get is cold marble.

"I'm sorry I'm not the girl you wanted me to be. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect him better. I'm…" You take a shuddering breath. "I'm sorry that you can't be here."

Rain starts to fall from the sky and you look up and close your eyes as the drops bounce off your face.

_You're four years old and you are looking out of the window and the rain bouncing off the ground. Your mom is in the kitchen baking cookies to eat after dinner and she told you that, if you are good, you might even get one before. She told you two weeks ago that there's another baby in her belly and you can't wait to find out if you are going to have a brother or a sister. You don't really mind either way. _

_You run into the kitchen and you bounce up and down. 'mamma mamma it's raining outside!' _

_She turns around to face you and you giggle because there is flour on her chin. 'silly mamma you got it on your face!' _

_You bounce over to her side and pull on her apron, 'mama lets go outside! Puddles!' _

_She laughs, that really happy and loud laugh, and she takes your hand and walks with you to the door where you both slide into your rain boots and jackets. _

_She bends down to your level and buttons up your coat 'let's go splash, baby.' _

_And you do. It feels like hours you are out there, jumping up and down, feeling the rain splash on your face. You both laugh and laugh and laugh and the rain doesn't stop for days. _

_It's the best feeling in the world. _

You feel tears mixing in with the rain drops on your face and you wipe them away with the palms of your hands. You feel four again and you want her to come and pick you up and make it all stop, just for a while.

It makes you angry that she can't.

"Why did you have to leave?" You ask, voice whimpering like a little kid. "I know you didn't mean it but…how was I supposed to do this alone? How am I supposed to keep doing it alone?"

Your lips are trembling and rage is filling up all the empty spaces in your body. You aren't angry with her, but you are angry with everyone else.

"I can't keep doing this. I can't keep being _strong. _I'm not…God, why did you let him do this to you? We would have been so happy, just the three of us. I didn't need a dad…I just needed you and Jude. How am I supposed to be happy mom? How am I supposed to keep living like this?"

You find yourself bent double with your face in your hands and you are sobbing now. Why now? You have never cried about her like this before. Why ten years down the line are you so angry about this?

You've always been angry, you realise, but you've never had the opportunity to express it.

Maybe it's the fact that you've been shown how life _can _be. Maybe seeing this family work so well together makes you miss her more because, if you had all just left, maybe now you'd have the same sort of life. Could she ever have left him?

You are soaked through, and your hair is completely drenched. You are shaking from the cold and your heart feels like it's about to burst open, but you can't find the strength to get up and walk to the car.

"I love you, mom."

You are about to attempt to stand up when you feel something being placed over your shoulders and you look up to see Lena wrapping you in a warm coat. She kneels down beside you and pulls you into her arms. You consider pulling away, but you enjoy the comfort.

"Let's go home and get you dried up, huh?"

**A/N: I'm really grateful for the response I'm getting from this story. It's not going to be an easy ride, I really want to explore how Callie will cope with going from being a troubled girl who can't trust, to someone who can accept herself and, hopefully, the people who want to love her. **


	5. No light, No light

**A/N: I just want to clarify this before we go any deeper into the story: This isn't a story centred in callie's mum dying, but I didn't just want to write one chapter on the anniversary and leave it at that. I want her to actually **_**deal **_**with her feelings. This chapter get's pretty emotional, but It's necessary for callies development. Still got a lot of rubbish to go through after it, though. Thanks for reading! Also, to the person who suggested more scenes between lena/stef and callie, don't you worry, that's coming up soon! **

The drive home from the cemetery is quiet and sad. It takes about an hour to get there and, twenty minutes into the journey, you listen to Lena and Jude have a conversation about your mom.

Jude tells her about how she was the best mom in the world. He tells her that she took us on all these trips. We went to deep sea world and to the beach and the cinema. Jude tells her that he doesn't really know her, but he loves her anyway. She tells him about her Grandma, who died when she was younger, and how she was her favourite person when she was little. She tells him that she misses her, but it helps to know that she's watching over her.

You plug in your earphones and stare out the window at the passing houses.

How many of these houses hold alcoholics? How many people in these houses have lost parents? How many of the kids are scared? How many of them know what its like to be tossed out time and time again?

You close your eyes and listen to the music.

"_Somedays aren't yours at all, they come and go as if they're someone else's days. They come and leave you behind someone else's face and it's harsher than yours and colder than yours." _

How many people feel this way? You've always wanted to ask. How many people feel like they are their own shadow? How many people wander the earth instead of living on the earth?

It's all pretty silly, really. You know that you should be happy because you've never been safer. You know you should pick up your head and stop questioning the world, because the world is handing you something good for once. At the end of the day, when you sit down and consider all of these feelings, you will realise that it doesn't really matter.

You are living on a planet that is rotating in a galaxy that is floating in a universe that expands infinitely. At night, when the stars are at their strongest and the sky is at its darkest, you look up. Just like you used to do when you and Jude were younger, and you think about how small you are. Every single human is born to die, part of an existence that barely begins to exist before turning to dust. You look at the stars and you are fascinated by the fact that the stars are already gone and, yet, they still shine bright enough for you to see. You think about how those stars are like the people who make a difference in the world. Like the soldiers that you sing for, the singers that you listen to, the fighters that gave people rights. The people who do things, who are _great _will live on, will become legacies. You've known since the moment Jude was born that he was going to be one of those bright exploding stars that you see, even on the foggiest of nights. You've always known that he would make a difference. Every word he speaks fills the air with hope and everything he does is like a star exploding in the sky and causing a chain reaction of a million other stars. He'll be the person who shines on for an eternity, because he got that side of your mom.

He knows more than you do, even at a young age. He asks questions about everything he see's and he smiles, even at the people who have hurt him, because he thinks that that is the way to change the world. Maybe he's right, though, maybe one of his smiles one day will be in the background of someone's picture and they will wonder who he is, why he is smiling, what he's like. Maybe one of his questions will change the way people see life. Maybe he will ask you something one day that will change the way _you _see life.

You are a star that stopped shining a long time ago. Jude and the Fosters are the stars that shine for an eternity.

"Callie?"

You realise that you must have fallen asleep along the way because you open your eyes and you are back at the house. You groan and unbuckle your seatbelt with a shaky hand before getting out of the car and heading into the house ahead of Lena and Jude. You feel strange and shaky, like you've eaten too much sugar and your body can't handle it, and all you want to do is fall into bed and sleep for the rest of the night.

After saying hi to Stef in the hallway, you trudge up the stairs and change into some sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt that was in the bottom of your bag. You hesitate before getting on the bed, wondering if maybe going to sleep will get you into trouble. But you are too emotionally drained to really care.

"Mind if I come in?"

Stef is hovering at the door and you shrug your shoulders, keeping your attention focused out of the window opposite the bed. She sits down next to you and picks her legs up and crosses them. "It's okay," she says "If you are mad at her."

You look at her.

"I mean…even 10 years down the line. Grief can hit you hard sometimes when you least expect it."

"I'm not." You lie.

"Lena heard you today."

You shouldn't be mad. It's not _okay. _What happened didn't happen _because _of your mom. It happened _to _your mom.

A silence stills the room and you stare at Stefs hands covering yours. They're soft, but they are tired and worn and you wonder how she manages to keep going with three kids in the house and the world telling her that who she is isn't okay. You look at her sometimes and her eyes tell you that she's carried the world on her back and still managed to keep going. It must be hard, you think, to have lied to yourself about who you are your entire life just because you fear that no one will accept you. Is it any different than what you do day to day?

"I'm tired. Can I sleep?"

Stef smiles at you and grips your hands firmly. "After dinner."

"I'm not hungry."

"Well, that's too bad 'cause you have to eat."

* * *

A while later, in the kitchen, you take a seat and you look at the plate full of food in front of you. The food doesn't look appetising and you find yourself pushing it around on the plate, completely lost in your mind.

You hear them talk about school and grades and Jude is laughing at something Jesus is saying. Lena is talking about plans for the wedding and Stef is talking about how boring it is being off of work. Everyone talks in a sort of harmony, it fits together without a single note missing or misplaced. They all understand each other, they all listen to each other.

You don't speak at all.

Why should you? What interesting thing could you add to the dinner table? You don't care about school. You hate the weather. The wedding is making your stomach hurt because it's just another thing you have to watch happen that you're not really part of.

You push back from the table and, without a single word; you walk out of the house and sit down on the stairs on the porch.

The air is still and silent and you close your eyes and take a deep breath. Sun is setting over the houses and everyone is sitting comfortably in their houses eating dinner and talking about their lives. Here, you are supposed to feel safe. Here, you are supposed to feel comfort. Yet, for some reason, it is here that you begin to really resent everything about yourself. What is it, you think, that makes you feel this way? Because they're offering you life on a silver platter. They're offering you everything you've ever dreamt about and Jude is taking everything in so easily but you just can't seem to understand why they try so hard. You don't understand why they waste their time. Why not adopt Jude and leave you? They don't have the room for two, but you know they'd have room for him. You see it in the way they say goodnight to him, the way they hug him, the way they talk to him. They want him to be a Foster; he is already becoming a Foster. Maybe, if you were to leave, it wouldn't be so hard for them to sign some papers.

The first time you were fostered, when you were around seven, you thought that you were getting a home for life. They never really fully explained the situation to you and you packed up everything you and Jude owned and waited at the top of the stairs in the home for the family to pick you up with a huge grin on your face. Jude was sitting on your knee and resting his head on your chest when the family walked through the door and you almost dropped him jumping up to grab your things.

That night, when you were in bed wide awake, you heard the Parents who took you in talking in the hallway and you tiptoed to the door and listened to them.

_Robert, we can't keep taking kids in. _

_It's only for a while, babe. _

_What made you say yes? _

_Honey, we get more child support this way. Think of it…we can go on holiday if we save some of it up. _

_Those kids are really troubled, Rob. I don't think we can give them a good home. _

_They don't need a _good _home, they just need food and a roof over their head. At least for a few months, come on. _

That conversation was a life changer. You had crawled back to bed and cried for the rest of the night because it was the moment you realised what the rest of your life was going to be like. At seven years old, you had already been made to feel worthless.

* * *

The door behind you opens and shuts and someone is sitting next to you. You expect it to be Lena or Stef, but when Mariana starts talking, you are surprised.

"Is the conversation boring you?" She looks at you and gives you a sad, genuine, smile. You give her a weak laugh.

"You seem sad."

You smile and shrug your shoulders. The thing about Mariana is that she has done nothing but surprise you from the moment you entered the house. When you first met her and she gave you that look of _you'll be gone in a day _you had naturally assumed that she was going to be the number one enemy in this house. She had seemed selfish, she had seemed overly dramatic. Yet, time and time again she has proved herself to be the opposite of your first thoughts on her. She has shown you compassion when you needed it most and walked away when she understood your need to be alone. On a night like this, when you are feeling strangely vulnerable, you are happy that it is her who has come to speak.

"Can I ask you something?" She asks and she shuffles herself over so that she is leaning against a wooden post. You nod.

"Do you like it here?"

It strikes you as odd that she asks you this question, because you've told her before that you do. It's not a lie, because it isn't unpleasant being here. It's just difficult.

"Sure."

She looks at you for a moment and her expression goes from one of question, to one of empathy.

"When I came here I didn't." she says.

"Howcome?"

She shrugs and you watch her have an eternal conversation with herself. "It's hard to become part of a family, you know? Especially when you've been a foster kid for so long."

Sometimes, you forget that Mariana and Jesus ever had to go through the same as you and Jude. In fact, it only really became clear that she hadn't always been a part of this family when Stef had been injured. You had defended her back then, because you realised that she got what it was like to be tossed around.

"I know that you're worried, Callie. You don't want to be part of something that isn't permanent but…the thing that you don't realise…it _is _permanent."

You sigh. "And how is that?"

"Because even if you don't get adopted by my moms, you've already become part of the family. It doesn't matter if someone else takes you in next week, they'll always be just around the corner. That's what's so amazing about them…you know? Even when we've really messed up, when we've really upset them, they're always there. My moms love you and Jude and they'll always treat you like their kids. Don't forget that."

She smiles at you and goes back into the house, leaving you alone to process what she has just told you.

You self destruct. That's what you do. You either sabotage yourself, or you run away. You do it all the time. Every time something get's a little complicated, you get really angry at yourself for letting yourself hurt, and you press a button in your mind that reads _explode. _You did it even when you were a little girl and you had your mom. You did it when you were in a foster home and you punched the mirror in the bathroom after you heard your foster mom say that you were _unfixable. _You've done it your entire life and you are doing it again, but this time it's different.

Before, it was about getting away from bad situations. Before, it was because the world was treating you wrong. Right now, you are on a path of self destruct for reasons you don't quite understand.

Because they love you. They _love _you. You.

They still loved you when you called them names. They still loved you when you nearly got their son hurt. They still love you every time you push them away. They still loved you when you told them about Liam. They still love you, even though you've given them every single chance not to.

And you just don't understand _why._

* * *

You're not in running clothes, but you run anyway. You run past the houses and past the families. You run through trees and across fields of muddy grass. You run and you run and you run until your lungs burn and your whole body is sore. You aren't wearing sneakers and you don't have your cell phone with you, you don't have _anything _with you. You just run.

It's dark. You end up at the top of a hill, somewhere unfamiliar, and you sit down on the grass and think about the day that your mom died.

_He's mad again. _

_He doesn't say so, but you hear it in his voice. _

_He came home late last night and you heard him knocking things over in the kitchen and arguing with your mom and it made you sad because she was crying. _

_Mom is in the kitchen making dinner and you wander in, dragging your stuffed doggie with a leash behind you. You sit down on a chair and you watch her kneading the dough. _

_You love watching her cook. _

'_When's dinner going to be ready?' you ask. _

_She does not reply. She continues to knead, her hands pushing down on the dough, her mind somewhere far away. You do not like it when mommy is like this. _

'_Francis called.' You look up and he is walking into the room. He is wearing a dark pair of worn down jeans and a T-shirt with paint stains on it. He has stubble on his face and you don't like it when he lets it get that way. It makes him look scary. 'said that they thought we should go over for dinner. I told her no.' _

_She doesn't answer him either. _

'_You wanna answer me or are you just gonna stand there like an idiot?' _

'_earth to-' _

_You stand up to leave, because you don't like it when he talks to her that way. You hear him slam his fist down on the table and you watch your mothers' shoulders slump forward. _

'_I'm sick of this. You act like you don't have a good life but I work damn hard while you stay here and raise them and eat the food that _I _pay for. You are so fucking selfish, you know that? Did you hear me?' _

'_stop it,' you whisper. 'Please, daddy, stop shouting at mom.' _

_She turns around, tears in her eyes, and bends down to your level. 'Go see your brother, baby.' _

'_I don't wanna leave you, mommy.' _

_She sighs and runs her hands through your hair. 'Please.' _

You are on your knees, gasping for air.

_It's a couple of hours before she comes up to your room and you are sitting on the end of your bed, petting your stuffed dog and crying. _

'_Callie, dinner is ready.' _

_You look up at her and she looks so tired, you have never seen her this sad. 'Can we go away?' you ask. _

'_what?' _

'_I don't want to live here anymore, mommy. Not with him. Mommy, let's go away…please.'_

_She shakes her head and stands up. 'Callie, you're a little girl, you don't understand.' _

_But you do. You understand that your daddy hurts your mommy. You understand that it isn't fair that she's scared all the time. You understand that you shouldn't have to be the one to sing Jude to sleep at night. _

'_I don't wanna live here anymore!' _

'_Well, you have to!' _

_You stop and take a step back. Your mom has never shouted at you before, not ever. _

_You don't understand. You just want her to be happy. Why can't she be happy? _

'_I don't want him to be my daddy!' _

_She slams her hands on your desk and you start to cry. 'That's __**enough **__Callie!' _

_You start to walk out of the room and you hear her softly crying. You want to make her feel better, but you are so mad. You want it to be just you and Jude and mommy. All he does is make her sad, all of the time. She doesn't jump in puddles with you anymore, she doesn't laugh at the TV anymore. _

_You turn around and, with all of the anger you can find, you whisper 'I hate this. I hate you'. _

You don't understand why you said it. You wanted to hurt her because why? You thought maybe it would make her leave him? You thought it would make her love you more? You thought maybe it would help?

You were only _six. _You shouldn't be mad at a little girl who was only trying to make things better. You were a child and you understood more than what she did. You were only _six _and you hate that you let her walk away.

It wasn't your fault. It _wasn't. _

But why did _that _have to be the last thing you said to her?

Did she think about it when she was dying? Did she feel bad for hurting you? You hope that she didn't. You hope that she knew how much you loved her. You loved her more than you have ever loved anyone since. More than anything in the entire world. It feels as though she took that love with her and left you with this big, empty, gaping hole.

You curl up in a ball and you sob.

Although, it's not really just sobbing, it's so much more than that. Like a vicious monster crawling out of your rib cage and breaking you open, erupting from your body, squeezing at your lungs.

Will you ever be able to love again?

That seems to be your last thought as the world drifts into darkness.


	6. Hardest of Hearts

**A/N: big thanks for the reviews! A little bit of a trigger warning, there will be a little bit of talk of thoughts of death later on in the chapter. I also just want to say that I started a new semester in university yesterday which means that it might be a little bit longer between updates but I will try my hardest not to take too long. **

_Her hair is brown. _

_She's standing at the foot of your bed with a soft smile on her face and her skin is glowing like the sun. _

_She doesn't look sad anymore, not like when you last saw her. She looks at peace. _

'_Mom?' _

_It feels like it's been an eternity since you last saw her eyes. They're brown like yours, wide like yours. She nods. 'It's me, Callie.' _

_You sit up and look around you. You aren't in the Fosters' house, you are somewhere unfamiliar. The walls are all white, everything is white. It makes her look even brighter. _

'_Where am I?' _

_She sighs softly and looks around like she doesn't quite know herself. 'You're growing up so fast, baby.' _

_There is a blissful silence in the room for a while and you breathe in the serenity of it all. Her pale skin and her soft hands, her brown eyes and her dark hair, you remember It all. It feels good. _

'_What's happening?' _

'_You don't know?' _

_You shake your head. 'No.' _

'_Callie, baby, I need you to let them in.' _

_You know who she is talking about. 'I can't. They won't like what they see.' _

'_how could anyone not like what they see, baby? You're wonderful.' _

_You sigh. 'I'm not.' _

'_What happened to you, Cal? You used to be such a happy girl.' _

_You stand up from the bed and walk towards her, you want to wrap your hands around her. You want to feel what you used to feel again. You want your mom. _

'_You can't touch me, honey.' _

'_Why?' you ask. _

'_You have to go back to them.' _

_You reach her and you are only inches apart. You could reach out if you wanted to, you could wrap your hands around her wrist. You could take her into your arms. You could touch her. It's been so long. _

'_I forget what you smell like.' You say. _

_She smiles softly and shakes her head. 'That's okay, baby, There's other people now. There's so much more for you.' _

'_I don't deserve it.' _

'_Callie, let them love you.' _

_You sit down on the end of the bed and bring your legs up to your chest and wrap your arms around them. 'I'm not worth it.' _

'_Yes you are.' _

_She's standing across the room now and her arms are straight by her side. She looks upset. 'How can you say that, baby? How can you think so little of yourself?' _

_You sit down on the edge of the bed and fidget with your fingers. 'Because everyone else thinks that.' _

'_But Stef' She says her name you you stop dead, your heart pounding, and look at her. 'She told you that you weren't and she meant that.' _

'_So?' _

'_They love you, Cal.' _

_You shrug. 'They'll get over me.' _

'_They wont, honey, trust me.' _

_You stand up and it hits you suddenly that you are angry. Are you angry at her? Are you angry at your father? Are you angry at yourself? _

'_Everyone else does,' you are shouting, but you can't stop. 'Everyone else forgets about me. That's the way it is, don't you see that? I'm not supposed to be here for me, I'm not supposed to be loved and hugged and cared for. I'm not worth that.' _

_You stand up and pace, running your hands through your hair. 'I'm taking up space. I'm just…I'm…" _

'_Scared.' She says it softly, carefully. She speaks like she's giving you an answer, like you've been waiting for her to come to you and say it. 'You're scared that they're going to love you more than you can handle. You're scared that they're going to love you and then let you go. You're scared that they're going to split you and your brother up. You're scared Callie and, the thing is, you don't have to be. Not anymore.' _

_But you do. You always have to be scared. You have to keep your defences up high and strong and worry about what's going to happen to you and what's going to happen to Jude. You were put on this world to be strong for him, but lately you can't even do that. _

'_The thing is, mom' you whisper. 'I'm even scared of myself.' _

Just like that, you are staring up at the stars, shivering. You want to close your eyes and see her again, you want to say sorry and say you love her and say you're not mad, but you know that it won't happen.

You think that you'd better stand up and walk back to the Fosters, but your body doesn't want to co-operate. You're too tired. When was the last time you slept? The last time you ate?

You know that you'll get sick laying out here in the cold like this, but you can't get up. Not quite yet. Not for a while.

Maybe you could sleep for a while; maybe someone will find you and carry you home. Maybe no one will find you. Would that be so bad?

You think of death and it's like a door at the end of a corridor. It's like a person you hate, but are deeply intrigued by. It's like a bad painting that you can't quite stop looking at. It's like a big, long sleep and you are exhausted but you can't quite get to it.

Life is like a movie that you hate, but can't quite stop watching.

For the longest time, you've wanted to know what's coming up. Will it get any better? Is there going to be a character that comes in and saves the whole thing?

Lately, it's like you're standing up from your seat, waiting for the right moment to leave the theatre.

It's not right now, but it seems to be getting closer.

You close your eyes and somewhere in the distance you hear yelling. You hear cars on the road about half a mile down the hill. You hear a plane above your head. You feel a little colder as a breeze washes over your arms. You feel a few drops of rain fall on your face.

"Oh my god, kid, are you okay?"

You need to open your eyes and get the hell out of here, but you can't seem to wake up.

"Hey, can you hear me?"

_Wake up, Callie. Wake up, come on. _

"Hi, I need an ambulance-"

You hear nothing.

* * *

There's a beeping coming from somewhere near your left ear and it's making your head hurt, You try to turn towards it but you can't quite open your eyes. It feels as though there are weights on your eyelids, and no matter how hard you try, it just doesn't work.

To your right, there is someone holding onto your hands lightly, you wonder if it's her again.

You wonder if you are dead.

With every ounce of your strength, you move your thumb to let her know that you are there and you quietly whisper her name. _Mom. _

"Callie?"

The voice that responds is tired and worn down. It's not who you want it to be, though, and you feel so unbearably exhausted. You feel like, if you open your eyes, you might cry. The last time you woke up in a bed, your mother was looking back at you.

"Come on, love. Open your eyes."

It takes a moment, but you manage to pry them open a little and you get unbearable brightness in return. You swallow against the dryness in your mouth and let out a tired sigh. For a second, you stare up at the roof and try your best to avoid her stare, but you know that it won't last for long. She will want to know all the fun details of your eventful breakdown and you will give her nothing in return. That's how it works.

You turn around and she is gripping on your hand with both of her own, smiling softly.

"It's so good to see you awake."

You give her a small smile. "What happened to me?"

"Dehydration and exhaustion," she says. "You should be out of here by tomorrow morning."

You tell her that's good and you both sit in silence for a while, looking at each other and away from each other, both of you scared to speak.

"We were looking for you."

"Sorry."

"No." she speaks firmly and sits down at the end of your bed, never letting go of your hand. "You don't get to just say sorry, Callie. You left the house and walked away without telling us where you were going. Do you know how worried we were? We didn't get a call until half past three in the morning and…Callie, you don't get to just walk away."

...

'_What the hell do you think you're doing?' _

_You are ten years old and you are balancing on a stool in the kitchen, trying to reach the cupboard. Jude hasn't eaten for three days and he's starting to look sick. _

'_I…' _

'_I asked you a damn question. What. Are. You. Doing?' _

_You look from the cupboard to his angry face and back to the cupboard again. If you take food and run, Jude will be okay. You might get a beating, but at least he won't be hungry. You move quickly, throwing the door open and grabbing packets of whatever you can find and hopping off of the chair. Somehow, you manage to get past him and up to Jude's room before he can grab you and you slam the door shut behind you, looking for something to block it with. _

'_Here' you throw Jude the stuff you grabbed and watch him pry open a packet of cookies with a huge grin on his face. 'Eat up.' _

'_Get the fuck down here, right now!' _

_You stop dead and consider your options. Stay in here and risk him getting in and hurting both of you, or taking a few punches so that he doesn't have to. _

_You wander down to the living room and find him standing at the door with his arms crossed. If his wife was home, he'd be hugging you right about now. _

'_You gonna tell me what the hell that was about?' he bellows. _

'_Jude…he hasn't eaten in a while. He needed food.' _

_He laughs. 'and that gives you the right to _steal _it?' _

_He opens up the front door and shakes his head. 'Get out my house.' _

_You turn on your heels so that you can go and get Jude, but he grabs your shoulder and pushes you out roughly. _

'_NO! I need to get my brother, let me get my brother.' _

_He throws you down so hard that you are laying face first in the mud and you can already feel blood coming out of your nose. _

'_Get the fuck away from my house, go! I never want to see your face again!'_

_..._

"Why do you say that?" You ask quietly. "Why do you care if I walk away or not?"

The question must take Stef by surprise because she gives you a strange look. "Because we care about you Callie. It's not safe outside alone at night."

You close your eyes for a moment to clear your brain. There's a hundred million thoughts racing through your nerves, telling you not to trust this woman. All the bad things that people have done to you before, all the bad things you've done yourself. Why trust? Why bother?

Your stomach does summersaults. "Can I ask you a question?"

She nods. "Can you adopt Jude?"

For a moment, she looks utterly confused at your question, like you are speaking in a foreign language and then she sighs. "Why did you only say Jude?"

"Because he's the only reason I'm in your house."

It's the first time you've been truly honest since you met Stef and you wish that you could say something else. Something that will make her feel happy, but everything else you hoard inside you would only make her hate you. So you settle for something that might help Jude.

"What do you mean by that?"

You want to throw up. You are about to hurt her and you know it, but you do what needs to be done. If you push them away first then they can't be the ones to hurt you. You need to be in control. "Listen, Stef, let's not beat around the bush. You and Lena don't need another teenager around the house and I…" you swallow the lump in your throat. "I don't need people to take care of me. I've already tried that family thing and it didn't work out."

The thing about Stef is that she doesn't take shit from anybody. She speaks her mind and she lets you know when you are in the wrong. You expect her to tell you that you might be right. You expect her to get annoyed at you for being so honest with her. You expect her to walk away from you and never turn back, but then she speaks, softer than she ever has before, and it tears your heart in to pieces.

"I don't know why you do this to yourself. I wish you could see what I see."

"And what is that?"

"A beautiful young girl who has a whole life of greatness ahead of her."

There's something about you that doesn't like compliments. It's like, the second that someone speaks about you in a nice way, you want to lift your hand and slap them until their face is red. You don't really understand why that is, but it's happening right now.

"Yeah," you say "Well maybe you need to get to know me a little better."

"I'm trying!" She shouts. Loud. Angry. Tearful. "But you push everyone so damn far away; you don't let anyone get to know you because you're scared."

'_You're scared that they're going to love you more than you can handle. You're scared that they're going to love you and then let you go. You're scared that they're going to split you and your brother up. You're scared Callie and, the thing is, you don't have to be. Not anymore.'_

"Why the _hell _do people have to say that? I'm not _scared. _I stopped being scared a _long _time ago. Don't you get it? Do you not understand? I'm not worth all this hassle; I'm never going to be any good for you and Lena. I know what I am better than anyone else does and I know that, the second you learn about the parts of me you don't see, you'll be throwing me right out the door. I just want to make sure you won't be throwing Jude out with me."

"_Stop _it." There is a side of Stef you've never seen before and she is showing it to you right now. She's shouting, and standing at the end of your bed, and you are almost certain she is about to hit you. You are not scared. You're not.

You. Are. Not. Scared.

"Stop putting yourself down. Stop hurting people so that you don't need to face your problems. Stop it, Callie. You don't just hurt yourself when you do this, can you not see that? You hurt Jude, too."

"Get out."

And she does.

Just like you thought she would.

**Let me know what you think? **


	7. Never let me go

**A/N: thanks for the reviews, guys. I tried to write this chapter a little quicker but writers block caught me and I'm back at university so that's been getting in the way too. I hope you like this chapter, and please PLEASE let me know what you think. **

Surprisingly, Stef returns about half an hour later with a cup of coffee in her hand and her face tinted red as if she has been crying and, without saying a word, she sits down on a chair in the corner of the room.

For the rest of the night, she stays in that chair without saying a word to you and you drift in and out of sleep. It isn't until 9am, when you are set to be released and you are dressed and waiting to go, that she decides to speak.

"You are going to be staying off of school for the rest of the week so that you can get better. You'll also be grounded for the next two weeks with no TV, computer or phone. Any questions?"

You shake your head.

You don't quite know how to speak.

The ride home is silent and, when you get into the house, everyone has already left for school. Stef ushers you into the kitchen and makes bacon and eggs and you both sit silently with the food placed in front of you when it is ready.

You push the bacon around the plate and take a few sips of water, waiting for conversation to start. You wait for her to ask questions or be annoyed or shout at you. You _want _her to shout at you.

Nothing. Not one word.

What should you expect? You hurt her. It should be _you _that is speaking, but you can't seem to form words.

You push back from the table to go lie down and she clears her throat. "You haven't finished eating."

You ignore her and keep walking, tears are welling up and you can't be bothered crying in front of her. You just need a minute alone. Just a _minute. _

"Callie, don't walk away from me."

Her voice is drained of all emotion. Tired. _Exhausted_. Monotonous. You made her like that. This is _your _fault.

You keep walking, taking the stairs one by one, slowly.

"_Callie!" _

You step into the bathroom and close the door behind you and slide down the wall, bringing your knees up to your chest and gripping your hair in your hands. You just need to think, why can't you think?

Think think _think. _

You reach into your pocket and pull out your phone that Stef hasn't had a chance to take and you scroll down the music and press play, sitting it next to you and closing your eyes.

'_Again I let jealousy blind me today, my oldest friend and I blew her away. Just a few kind words and all I could say was I've known you what ten years, it feels like a day'_

Laura Marling is your go to music when you are feeling sad. You don't understand why that is, considering all of her music is deep and sorrowful and has the ability to hurt you even more. But she's a lyrical goddess, and she's honest about life and you wonder if it's possible to have such a deep connection with someone you've never met.

You listen to the music rise and fall, her voice low and meaningful and you let the melody wrap itself over your wounds, making them hurt more but somehow temporarily heal.

You stand up and you stand in front of the mirror and sing the lyrics along with her.

"_And, oh, watched her cry, torn apart at the hands of a child and again I used arrogance as something to depend and condemned all religion to pitiless end." _

You are crying and you don't quite understand why. Probably, maybe, because there is a woman in this house who is willing, who has made it clear that she is ready, to be there for you and help you heal and all you can do is tell her _no. _It even hurts you, because you do want her to help, you _do. _But you also know that it's impossible, absolutely impossible. You always get so far and give up and you don't know what it is that makes you do that. You let her in half way and then you push her right back out again and your heart breaks when she feels sad but you can't stop it.

"_Oh, so many died; torn apart at the hands of a child." _

You can count with one hand the nice things people have said about you since you became a foster kid.

_You're not disposable, Callie. You're not worthless. _

You would need a thousand hands to count the bad.

'_You seduced my sun, you __**slut.**__' _

'_Unfixable' _

'_Lost cause' _

'_Runt' _

'_Ugly' _

'_Hopeless' _

'_Worthless' _

'_Useless' _

_Less, Less, Less. _You're less than the person you should have been. You're less than what people wanted you to be. You continue to be less and less and _less. _

There is _one _good thing that sticks in your head. There are a million bad. How is it possible to believe in the good when the rest of the world is against you?

It's okay, anyway. You'll be out of this house in the morning judging by Stefs voice before you walked away.

Your phone beeps and you pick it up. There's a text from Lena.

_We're on your side. Don't forget that. _

_Lena x _

You sit it down with shaking hands and turn on the shower before stripping down and standing under the harsh spray. You turn the heat up until it is hot enough to burn your skin.

And you cry.

Again.

You had cried last night and you thought you had let it all out but it seems that there are always more tears in your for Lena and Stef and that isn't fair because you don't want to cry over them. You don't _want _to cry over anyone.

The song changes and you don't pay much attention but you can hear it muffled in the corner of the room, your thrown sitting under your jeans.

'_Don't cry child, you've got so much more to live for. Don't cry child, you've got something I would die for and if it comes to the rain, just be glad you'll smile again. So many don't and so many go unnamed.' _

It makes you cry more.

It makes you feel guilty.

'_oh, my mother. Oh, my friends asked the angels will I ever see heaven again?' _

You punch the wall in front of you with such force that you see blood on your knuckles and it seems to throw sense back into your system. You jump out of the shower and turn off the water and notice that there are red blotches from scrubbing all over your skin. You turn off the music and wrap yourself in a towel before sitting on the edge of the bath.

The word heaven annoys you. You aren't religious, you don't believe in an afterlife. Jude always asks you _Where do you think mom is? _And you never have an answer because you can't tell him that she's _gone. _Completely.

It feels like you left a long time ago, too.

You throw on some jeans and a shirt and clean up your hand before leaving the bathroom and wandering down to the living room, where Stef is flicking through TV channels.

You sit down next to her.

"Sorry." Is all you manage to say. She looks at you briefly and turns off the TV and her face is still stern and emotionless, but she shuffles closer to you and looks directly into your eyes.

For a moment, you think she is going to tell you it's time to pack up. You think she is going to tell you that she can't do it anymore. But then there are tears in her eyes and she frowns and wipes them away quickly and it takes you by surprise. Be stoic, Stef. _Shout at me, Stef. __**Don't be sad, Stef. **_

"I shouldn't have said that," she mumbles. "I shouldn't have said that you are hurting Jude. I shouldn't have. You do everything for that boy, Callie. I just wish that you could do more for _you. _I don't like this…I hate seeing you this withdrawn and you were doing so well before, when you told Lena and I about Liam and when you let us comfort you and I just don't understand what has changed."

What has changed? Because she's right. You were finding it so much easier to be here for a while and now it's just gone downhill and you don't really understand what makes now different than before.

"I don't know."

Stef puts her arm around your shoulder. "Do you feel sad?"

You shake your head.

"Sick?"

You sigh.

"Talk to me. _Please._"

"I'm just tired."

She pulls you into a hug and your rest your head against her chest, like you used to with your mom when you were a kid. If you weren't so defeated, you'd be walking away by now. But you need it. Even if it's just for tonight.

You fall asleep.


	8. Darkness Descends

**A/N: Thank you endlessly for the response so far. I'm sorry about the delay between updates, my laptop charger broke a few weeks ago and I have been without laptop, but I did somehow manage to write an entire chapter on paper which is something I can never be bothered doing, but the internet in our block of flats turned off for like three days so I had nothing better to do with my time. I hope this chapter makes up for the gap! I've sort of been writing scattered pieces all over the place recently and i've sat and stuck them all together, i've read it over and i'm pleased with it, but i'm worried it might seem a little bit rushed or something, so please let me know. Trigger warning for the end of the chapter, talks of not eating and thoughts relating to Eating disorders. **

**please pleas **_**please **_**review. **

It's two days after you fall asleep cradled in Stef's arms when they confront you. You're sitting out back, clutching a glass of peach tea and watching Jude and Jesus kick a ball back and forth and yell in excitement. It's good to see Jude have a brother. Lena sits down first and, shortly after, Stef follows and you are sitting in the middle of both of them, acknowledging their presence, but not saying anything. It's mid September and there is something you love about how the tree's turn orange and the sky gets darker earlier. You've always been a fall kind of girl.

Although, it's not like it is in pictures on blogs. You don't get to wrap up in a huge comfy sweater and drink tea, sitting by the window and watching the world get a little cooler. California is always sort of warm, even in the winter, and so you pretty much wear jeans or shorts and short sleeved T-shirts the entire year round. You push your foot down on a crunchy brown leave and Lena places her hand on your back.

"We're a little worried about you, Callie."

You don't look at her. Instead, you focus on the way the leaves dissipate under the force of your feet and it amazes you that you have the power to make something turn to mere dust just by brushing it with your foot without force. Sometimes, you feel like that's what you do with everything in your life. You wreck it. You make it fade away. You walk a lonely road and everything in your track perishes because you are reckless and lonely and trouble. Then people have to walk behind you and replant and clean up and rebuild and you can't really do much about it because your feet only carry you in one direction and that's forward. One road. Just one lonely, straight road.

"You're not happy, are you?"

You consider the question for a moment without responding. Not happy. They say that like you were happy before, like you know what happiness really is. It's been a long time since you experienced happiness and you have completely forgotten what it feels like inside of you.

You shrug.

"We want to help you."

You feel a hand on your arm and another around your shoulders. "Is it anything in this house? Is there anything making you uncomfortable?"

"No, of course not." You say, shaking your head forcefully. There are a lot of reasons you don't like being here, and there are a lot of things that make you feel…strange…but not uncomfortable, as such.

"Something is going on, though. I wish you could just tell us what it is."

You smile as much of a smile as you can muster and look up from the ground to Jude. "He's happy, though."

"Boys are always happy as long as they are kicking a ball." Lena jokes.

"Yeah."

For a while, there's a comfortable silence between the three of you and you watch the back and forth between Jesus and Jude. Jude kicks the ball past Jesus' feet and it hits the other end of the yard and he throws his arms in the air and yells in excitement.

"That's a score for me!"

"Yeah right, you totally cheated!"

"I'll give you it this time, but you better not cheat again!"

"I think you're just worried I'm gonna beat you!"

You smile because Jude runs like the garden is the entire world, like he's an explorer in a new place for the first time, like he's discovered diamonds in coal. He turns to you and he smiles so wide that it stuns you. He has _never _been this happy. Not ever.

"Jesus just knows you are a pro, bud!" you shout and he laughs and turns his attention back to the game.

You stare at him for a moment longer before taking your gaze away and looking at your feet again. You can feel Stef and Lena looking at you, but you avoid their stares and continue to crush leaves under your feet and listen to Jude and think about not much at all, you're just trying to be in a moment and not ruin anything for right now.

"He's never been this happy." You say it quietly because it makes you feel sort of sad. You understand why he's never been happy before being here because neither have you. You never had it easy, there was never really any reason to be this happy. But you often wish you could have given him this on your own. What have you ever given Jude, other than a little bit of safety?

It occurs to you, for the first time, that, although you might have sheltered him, you've never given him the opportunity to just be a kid. Before you were alone, you used to go on adventures with him in the back yard. You'd be pirates and kings and queens and cops and robbers and the small patch of grass behind your house was an entire galaxy of different scenarios. Then one day it just disappeared and, when you returned three years later to look at the house, the grass had turned brown with neglect.

"I wish…" the words die on your tongue as you try to say them and you let your shoulders sag forward in defeat. You've at least tried to talk today and that seems like enough. You shake your head, stand up and head into the kitchen.

You enter your room and all you want to do is collapse into bed and take a nap, but Mariana is laying in her bed reading and listening to music and you know you won't be able to sleep with the One Direction album blasting into your eardrums, so you lay back and open up the book you've been reading for a while. _The Bell Jar _By Sylvia Plath. It's one of those books you've read about nine hundred times and it's torn up and tattered and old, but you love it to pieces and it's your one thing that you've kept throughout all the homes you've been in. It's like a safety blanket.

About thirty pages in, Mariana sits down at the edge of your bed and looks at you, waiting for you to put the book down and so you do.

"Let's do each others nails."

It's not even a request, it's an order. You sigh and roll your eyes. "Why?"

Mariana smiles and crosses the room to get her box of nail polishes, when she gets back, she tips them out on the bed and looks at you kindly. "You need it."

You pick a deep purple and she opts for tiffany blue and silver glitter and you both quietly paint before you put down the polish and look at her seriously.

"Do you ever feel really trapped?"

She stops painting and puts the brush back in the pot and looks at you, confused. "What do you mean?"

"I feel like I just can't…do anything. I feel like, every time I try to move forward, something is stopping me."

Mariana crosses her legs and sighs. "I used to."

"When you came here?"

"No," She thinks for a moment and then, "I mean…I had a lot of problems here but it didn't really take that long for me to get my feet on the ground, once I let moms comfort me and talked to them. Before here though, I always thought I was going to feel like I never belonged anywhere and it scared me. Then this happened and….well, I changed."

"Jude," you say. "He's already changed. He loves it here. He loves Stef and Lena. I couldn't give him that."

Mariana smiles. "You gave him so much more."

"Like what?"

"Well," She says. "hope, for one."

"Hope?"

She nods and gives you a look that says _you don't know? _"He's so full of hope every day and he didn't get that from nowhere. I bet you told him stories."

"Every night."

"About what?" She asks.

You think for a moment and shrug. "Just heroes and stuff. Normal stuff."

"You gave him hope when you read those stories, when you told him it was going to be okay, when you protected him"

"Is hope better than happiness?"

Mariana takes your hand into hers and she nods fiercely. "Happiness is so important, callie. But giving him hope when everything really sucks? That's not something everyone can do."

Maybe you gave him all of your hope.

Is that why you have none left?

* * *

You wake up at 7am because Mariana is getting ready for school and you can hearer her banging and clanking around her things trying to find something to wear for the day. You sigh and put your arm over your eyes, trying to block out the light from the opened curtains. For a while, you just lay like that and think.

Since coming home from the hospital, you've done a lot of thinking. You think about how you managed to make Stef come so close to tears and how it made your chest ache dully and dread fill the pit of your stomach to see her that way because of your words. You think about how you managed to scare Jude so much that he's angry at you now, even though he says he's fine. You think about the dream you had about your mother and how real it felt, how real _she _felt and how you could almost reach out and touch her. You think about how you don't feel angry about her being gone anymore, but instead you don't really feel anything and you aren't exactly sure which is worse. Finally, you think about how safe you felt, for the first time in years, falling sleep in Stefs arms that night after the hospital.

You wonder if there's a way to make that feeling go away. You wonder how much more it will hurt when you have to leave knowing how comfortable this family are.

You don't get out of bed until 10am, and you drag yourself down to the kitchen tiredly. You've spent three days sleeping on the sofa and watching TV and not eating much at all and your body is complaining that it needs sugar, so you make a small bowl of porridge with a tea spoon full of sugar mixed through it to make it taste a little less bland and you eat it alone in front of the TV.

Stef has gone grocery shopping and everyone else is at school and it feels good to be alone for a while.

She left a note on the fridge saying she'd be home by about 2pm so you have plenty of time to do what you want. So you go for a run, even though you know you really shouldn't but you need to because it's the only time you get to really think and feel, even when the feeling you get is an ache or a pain it's good.

You only manage to run around the block two times and you go back inside because you don't want to exhaust yourself to the point of passing out again because you can't handle another few days of having all attention directed towards you. You shower and you sit outside in the yard by a tree and stare up at the sky.

...

_"That one's a fish!" _

_You're 10 and you and Jude are in the yard looking up at the clouds, pointing at the shapes excitedly. _

_"That's totally a horse, Jude! Don't be silly!" _

_Jude laughs and turns around to look at you. "Do you think his family are gonna keep us, Callie?" _

_It's the first decent family you've been part of for a while. Although, it's not really much of a family it's an old man and lady who's kids left years ago and needed to have kids around the house for company. _

_The Lady, Agnes, bakes the most delicious cookies and she comes from Scotland and her stories are always the best because she talks about people with weird names and about her time with her husband and kids. Peter, her husband, went to war when they were real young and they kept in touch through letters. She waited a long time for him to come home and, when he did, they got married and had three kids then moved to America to get a fresh start. _

_Agnes tells you that she misses Scotland because it's so much greener over there and she never thought she could live in the suburbs but she thinks it gave her kids a better chance at life. _

_Peter doesn't miss Scotland at all. He says that the only thing he preferred about Scotland was that everyone knew everyone. Agnes had a heap of friends and they always had tea and 'biscuits' (which were actually cookies) and gossiped about the new things happening in the neighbourhood. _

_One of their kids, Jane, moved back to Scotland when she turned twenty to study English Literature in a university in a strange place called Edinburgh and they don't hear much from her now because she has her own family. _

_Her other kids visit from time to time, but they live in different states. _

_"I dunno, Bud. I hope so." You say. _

_"Look!" Jude squeals. "It's a dinosaur." _

_He stands up and makes his arms short and runs around the yard yelling 'raar, raaaaaar' _

_and you both laugh. _

_You had to leave a few weeks later. _

_You never did hear any more of Agnes' stories. You never did get to eat another one of those amazing cookies. _

_..._

"I used to love staring up at the clouds."

You turn around and Stef is walking towards you. She sits next to you. "Haven't done it for years, though."

"Can't make any shapes," You say. "It's all just clouds."

"You were smiling." Stef smiles at you. "What were you thinking about?"

"I dunno…being young. Making shapes with Jude."

For a while, there's a silence between you and then you look up at Stef and sit up. "Do you think he's okay? He isn't really talking to me right now."

"He's just worried about you, honey."

You sigh and bring your knees up to your chest. "I didn't mean to scare him."

"I know."

"I didn't mean to upset you." You say.

"I know."

You stay there for a while longer and then Stef leads you to the kitchen, where she starts to prepare lunch. She makes a sandwich for both of you and places it in front of you with a glass of juice and you realise how unappealing it looks. "I'm not really all that hungry." You say.

Stef picks at her sandwich and shrugs. "That's too bad, because you have to eat. Don't want to see you fainting again, love."

You sigh and eat half the sandwich. "Can I go lie down?"

Stef nods distantly and you wander into the living room and turn on the TV. Daytime TV is the worst kind of TV, but it's the kind you can't look away from. You are watching some soap set in a hospital and some guy and girl are having an affair and people are crying and complaining and it frustrates you because there are people who actually want to watch this crap.

How can you find that entertaining? Watching people fuck up and get over it and do it again and again and again without ever really facing any real consequences. It's all just a load of pointless crap and it makes you think about how easy some people have it and how those people seem to enjoy fucking up every good thing that comes their way.

Then you feel bad because you pretty much do the exact same thing.

You turn off the TV and roll your eyes.

You start dozing off and it isn't long before you hear the door open and everyone get in from school. The sofa dips down and you open your eyes to see Jude looking at you.

"You okay, kid?"

He nods. "You?"

You smile "Yeah."

"I'm sorry," You say. "For scaring you. I won't do it again."

He nods slowly, and then hugs you and he means it when he says "It's okay. Please don't."

That night you sneak out late and run for two hours.

You feel yourself sinking and you have no idea why.

* * *

You do the things that you are supposed to do.

You go to school and do your homework and you come home and laugh at the jokes passing around the dinner table. You hug Lena and Stef a little more to prove to them that you are still present, even though at times you feel unbearably far away. You can't really explain it, not even to yourself. You hurt. Or, you don't hurt so much as feel numb or nauseous and it comes and goes in waves at first.

You'll feel okay for a while, and you will be able to honestly enjoy the presence of the other people in the house and then late at night, when you are laying in bed, your senses begin to fade. It's like a void, somewhere inside of you. Something missing or something that was never really there to begin with.

You can't sleep at night, but you want to sleep all day because at least then you don't actually have to pretend to laugh, or smile, or eat dinner.

Life goes on like this for 15 days and it is exhausting. You push food around on your plate and you go to bed early, where you lay staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night, until you fall asleep around 5am and you are woken at 7am for school.

You don't play guitar, or write in your journal, and you barely ever try to put effort into your homework even though you know you should because that's when people will wonder if there is something wrong.

You feel yourself losing weight and it's sort of a little victory. Because, even though you _know _you aren't a big person, you wonder what it would be like to be smaller, to shrink, to be able to hide easier or run faster. You wonder what it would be like to disappear into the background. Would anyone really notice that you are gone?

And it is one night, when you observe yourself in the mirror and you notice that your stomach is flatter, that you realise what you've been missing. Because if you are smaller, than that must mean there is less room for that darkness to hide inside of you and if you are smaller than you know it must mean that the bad stuff that tightens itself around your bones and makes it harder to move must be getting smaller, too. You've never really had a lot of control over the things that happen in your life, you've never been able to walk away from all the negativity, and here you have the opportunity to get rid of the darkness alone and that idea is absolutely thrilling. Or terrifying, you aren't exactly sure which.

So it's your little secret. You eat a rice cake in the morning before you leave for school, and you skip lunch because you know that Brandon will be practicing in the music room, Jesus will be away somewhere with Lexii and Mariana will be sitting somewhere with your friends. When you get home after school, you retreat to your room and you go down to the kitchen at dinner time and you eat as little as possible, sometimes nothing at all.

At first, you don't really bother counting calories, because it's only a temporary thing and you hear that you can get addicted to this sort of rush. You just want to take up a little less space, fit comfortably into the background, be less of a burden. So you just eat a little less than you should and you feel the pounds unwrap themselves from your bones, you feel the darkness start to fade because there is less room.

But that only lasts a while, and soon there seems to be more of it getting in to you somehow and you wonder how on earth it is possible because you seem to be doing everything right.

It's only been four weeks since you started this, since you started to shrink, and you've lost 13lbs.

You wonder how long it will take to lose another 10.

You wonder how long, roughly, it will take for the suffocating barbed wires to unwrap themselves from your bones and leave your body completely.

You wonder if anyone will notice.


	9. Birthday: Part 1

_**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, favourites and follows up to date! It means so much to me and always fuels me to write! **_

_**This was the longest chapter ever but I thought I'd better split it into two so it'd be easier to read. **_

_**Also, I mention a song at one part and it's 'Oh so quiet' by Bjork (which was my favourite song as a child) **_

_**So here we are. **_

**Birthday: Part 1 **

_111lbs _

You don't like odd numbers. Never have. So, when you woke up and read 111 on the scale, you were less focused on the fact that you'd dropped 3lbs since the last time you'd weighed yourself and focused on the fact that you _had _to get rid of that 1 at the end. So the next goal was 110 and the one after that was 105 because multiples of 5 were the only acceptation to your hatred towards odd numbers.

Odd numbers, for some reason, when pictured in your mind, were sloppy and uneven and messy and that bothered you. Even numbers were narrow and sharp and clean and you've always wished that the odd numbers could be eliminated completely.

Ever since you were a child, you pictured things in your mind differently than you thought other people did. Metal music was dark and angry and when you saw it, it made you feel sick and uneasy. Acoustic music was light and airy like spring and you always pictured flowers and blue skies.

The word _fear _is brown like mud and cold like winter. The word brave is like the peak of a mountain that you have climbed for days. The word fat is pudgy and ugly and messy. The word thin is pristine. Clean. Powerful. Rich.

You're eating 600 calories a day at the very most.

A quarter bowl of porridge with bananas in the morning for energy to get you through the school day without food. Two dry crackers after you get home from school and, sometimes, with a teaspoon of peanut butter on the side. Dinner is a harder matter, though, and so usually you keep yourself for that meal. There are always vegetables on your plate and you separate them from the other food. If it's chicken, you'll eat half of it. If there are potatoes, you don't eat any. Carbs are the devil, you'd read that online somewhere.

Protein is _okay. _You'll eat the meat if its oven cooked, but fried is not an option. No bacon. No Chicken nuggets (the chicken in those is always fake). No bread.

Sometimes you'll eat egg whites.

The thing that amazes you is that it's not even that difficult at first, not really. Every time you feel compelled to eat something that you've restricted, you remind yourself of how wonderful it would be to be that person who has the self control to avoid it. Not many people are good at diets. You, however, will be.

Will Stef and Lena congratulate you on weightloss when they notice?

You picture it in your mind.

_Wow, look at you! Being healthy and losing weight takes so much discipline! _

_Wow, you must have a hell of a lot of self control! _

_Look at that, you're not chubby anymore! _

You smile.

But then you remember 111. Odd number. Make it even.

And so you run for an hour and skip the crackers and bananas. You wonder if you should maybe leave out the litre of water you drink during school, since maybe then you'll avoid the water weight. But you realise that it's the only thing that gets you through the day without wanting to pick at bits and pieces and so you just opt for half of a litre instead.

You wake up on your birthday and weigh in at 110 and it's a wonderful present. You hope that no one knows that you are 17 today because you've never liked birthdays, but it's highly unlikely that Jude has forgotten.

You run for two hours instead of one so that you don't need to think about birthday cake or candles or balloons, but it's really all you think about the entire morning.

When the sun starts to get higher and brighter, you sneak back into the house and shower and get dressed so that you are ready before everyone else and you eat an apple and announce that you are walking to school before anyone has time to start any conversations with you.

You're feeling especially distant today.

Before you get out of the driveway, a voice calls out to you and you turn around to see Jude running towards you. "Can I walk with you?" He asks.

"Sure, bud."

It's a nice walk to the school. Past caul de sacs and nice cars and along the front of the beach, it gives you the opportunity to just breathe for a while. It only takes about twenty five minutes and so you don't see the point in taking the car when you get to experience this instead.

"You're avoiding today, aren't you?" Jude asks you quietly, about ten minutes into the walk.

You look at him and shrug. "I don't know what you're talking about, Jude."

"Yes you do." He smiles at you and reaches into his bag, bringing out a present wrapped in blue wrapping paper and he hands it to you. "Happy birthday, Cal."

You look down at the present in your hand and tears prick the back of your eyes, but you shake your head before you can let yourself get emotional and you force a smile towards Jude. "I'll open it later, okay?"

"Open it now." He says. "Please?"

You peel back the tape and rip at the paper until you realise that you are holding an upside down frame in your hands.

"It's not much, but…"

You turn it around and stare at the picture in the frame. It's you, your mom and Jude when he was just born, maybe a week old and both you and your mom are leaning on the bed, looking up at the camera with Jude on a changing mat in front of you, screaming.

You can't help the tear that slips away and falls down your face, and you wipe it away quickly with the back of your hand.

"It's great, thank you."

School is a blur.

You can't stop thinking about the picture. About your birthday. About all the birthdays after your last one with them. You think about how you used to love it, you used to love the cake and the songs and the games and now the whole day makes you feel sick.

At lunchtime, you leave school and head to the beach to have some time alone. You know that Lena will shout at you for leaving mid-day, but you decide that being at school wont do you any good. You find a quiet spot on the sand and sit down so that you can look out at the water.

Your mind drifts as you pick up piles of sand and let it run through the gaps in your fingers.

"_Happy birthday, Callie!" _

_It's 7am when your mom wakes you up by jumping on your bed and handing you a large box wrapped in pink polka dot paper and you grin from ear to ear when you start to rip the paper open. _

_Inside is a bright pink Barbie convertible car. _

"_OH MY GOD MAMMA I WANTED THIS SO BAD!" _

_Your mom wraps her arms around you and kisses your cheeks. "That's only the start of your big day! We have pancakes and chocolate syrup downstairs for breakfast, too!" _

_You jump up and down on your bed and sing along when your mom puts on your favourite song. _

"_Shh, shh. It's oh so quiet….shh shh, it's all so still. Shh, shh, you're all alone…and so peaceful until…" _

_You jump up in the air and raise your voice, whipping your head back and forth with your mom as the music grows louder and faster. "You fall in love, zing boom, the sky up above, zing boom, is caving in, wow bam, you've never been so nuts about a guy, you wanna laugh and you wanna cry, you cross your heart and hope to die!" _

You wipe a tear away from the corner of your eye and watch the way the waves lick the shoreline and fall back again and again.

Since your mothers anniversary, you've managed to push aside the thoughts about being young. The problem is that you've never been able to not think about her on your birthday. Today, you think about the six birthday's you shared with her. You think about how she always planned out the days so specifically, how she always made your favourite food and the cake was always chocolate on chocolate on chocolate and you always ate so much that you would throw up. You think about how she always got you the presents you would stare at on TV in amazement but never asked for too often. She knew what you wanted without having to ask because she could see it in your eyes and you wonder if Stef and Lena will give Jude the same thing when his birthday rolls around.

Nostalgia can cut deeper than a knife.

"What are you doing out here?"

You look up and see Brandon hovering over you.

"Thinking."

He looks hesitant for a moment, but then takes a seat next to you.

Brandon is a nice guy, you think. You never really get the opportunity to properly talk with him, other than the odd conversation. When you had first moved in, you wondered if maybe there could potentially be something between you, but you had pushed that thought aside because the last time that happened it ended badly. Brandon had been nice enough to you, he had come with you to tell Stef and Lena about Liam and you feel as though you could never truly repay him for being so lovely to you when that happened, but ever since then things between both of you had been a little more distant because you had made it that way. It's not that you _like _Brandon, it's that you never want to give yourself the option of liking him.

"About what?" he asks, opening his bag and taking out a bottle of water. He offers you a drink and you shake your head.

"Not much."

You don't mean to be vague with people, but you know that there's a limit to how honest you can be with people. Especially when things are only temporary. If you tell him about your birthday, he'll feel bad for you and he'll tell his moms that it's your birthday and they'll make an unnecessary fuss. If you tell him about how you're thinking about your mother, he'll worry that you're going to end up as low as you were on her anniversary and he'll tell his moms and they'll worry even more. If you tell him about how awful you've been feeling over the past couple of months, you'll end up in a group home or a mental facility…no one wants a crazy girl.

"Looks like there's something more than 'not much' going on."

You look at him and he gives you a 'go on' sort of look, but you shrug your shoulders and focus your gaze on the waves. "So, how's things with Talya?"

He sighs at your lack of response, but answers anyway. "Not bad. She's been acting weird though."

"Why?" You ask.

"She was worried that I might have a thing for you," he admits. "Which is stupid."

His tone of voice doesn't match his words though. His tone of voice says _is there something between us? _His voice says _Could there ever be anything? _

You shake your head. "I hope you know that I don't like you like that Brandon."

It's the truth. It is. Whatever might have been there a couple of months ago, has since faded away with the rest of your emotions and you know that he's better hearing that out loud rather than constantly wondering _what if _and _maybe. _

He smiles. "I know that." His voice is a little sad, but not mad or annoyed. "Nothing could ever happen between us."

"Why aren't you in class?" You ask, diverting the conversation.

"Free period. Thought I'd go for a walk and I saw you. You're supposed to be in English, right?"

"Yeah."

"You do know that your foster mom Is the deputy head of this school, right? "

You nod and sigh. "Mhm."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't be missing classes. You're grounded."

You laugh bitterly and look at him disbelievingly. "Don't you ever break the rules? Why are you so worried, anyway?"

He shrugs and stands up. "I would be just as worried if Mariana was out here alone, skipping class, and looking like she was about to cry."

Then he walks away.

Why is it that this family are so intent on treating you like family? Why make you feel at home when you're not here forever? Why do they always have to try so hard when they know you don't want any of it?

It baffles you.

You stay out there and think about nothing at all until you hear a bell ring and you head home so that you will arrive around the same time as everyone else.

_**A/N: This isn't a Brallie Story. **_


	10. Birthday: Part 2

**A/N: I don't know if people are losing interest in the story, but I have a feeling that they are and I would really rather people tell me where I am going wrong as opposed to just not reviewing at all, so _please _let me know what you think! **

**This chapter took a while to write, and I'm hoping I can get the next chapter up as soon as possible because round about now is when things really start going downhill. **

**I've already planned the entire story out and I can't explain how excited I am to share it with you guys. **

**Thank you so much for your reviews, favourites, and follows. Have a great day! **

**Birthday: Part 2 **

When you get in, Stef is waiting in the dining room and you know right away that she is waiting to talk to you. Obviously Lena called.

"Callie, let's talk."

Strict Stef voice scares you.

You sit down opposite her and she gives you a narrow eye look. "You never went to your last three classes."

"I didn't."

Stef raises an eyebrow and straightens herself, waiting for some sort of argument. "Well, are you going to tell me why?"

For a moment, you stare at her, unsure of what to say. She leans forward, waiting for an excuse or a lie or _something _but you just stare and shrug your shoulders like you always seem to do and sit back in your chair.

"Callie?"

"I felt sick, okay?" you say, your voice a little harsher than you wanted it to be. "I just needed some time to breathe. You all hover all the time, I just needed to sit by myself and breathe."

"We hover because we worry."

You stand up and pull your bag over your shoulder. "Well you don't need to worry." You mumble. "I'm going for a nap, I have a headache."

...

"_Hey callie," You hear someone whispering. You don't open your eyes because you aren't quite ready for it to be morning. You groan and turn over. "Callie, wake up." _

_When your senses come to you, you realise that it is Jude who is trying to wake you up and you open your eyes right away. "Jude, what's wrong?" _

"_Nothing…I just..." he sits up on your bed next to you and hands you something wrapped in a piece of tissue paper. "I figured I'd have to wake you up early to give you it." _

_You open up the tissue to find a small rock inside and you give him a questioning look. "Thanks?" _

"_I got it on our field trip a month ago, and I thought I'd give you it for your birthday. I know it's not much, but…It's a rock from outer space!" _

_You smile and ruffle his hair. "No way? Outer space?" _

"_Yeah, the science teacher said that it's amazing because who knows how long it was floating up there and how far out it was and it ended up here! How cool is that?" _

"_The coolest." You say, staring at the small piece of rock between your fingers. _

"_Happy birthday, Callie." _

_You wrap your arms around him and squeeze him tight. "Thanks, bud."_

...

The smell of chicken wakes you up from your 'nap' and you notice that it's since gotten dark outside. You pull a sweatshirt over your head and wander down the stairs towards the kitchen, mentally noting that you've only eaten half an apple today.

Stef is standing at the table, chopping onions and Lena is sitting beside her, grading papers. You can hear Brandon playing piano and Jude and Jesus are playing video games in the living room.

"Good nap?" Lena asks, once she's spotted you.

You shrug and pull a bottle of water out of the fridge. "okay, I suppose. What time is it?"

"It's 6:45, dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes. We were actually just about to wake you up…how you feeling?"

You give her a weak smile and nod and sit opposite her, taking a few gulps of the water. You feel weird, but you think it maybe has something to do with the lack of sugar in your system. Your head feels fuzzy and you feel a little warm and clammy. You think about the food that they are about to serve up and it makes you feel a little nauseous.

"Could I maybe just go shower and go back to sleep? I'm not hungry."

Lena looks up from her papers and takes a good look at you, clearly trying to figure out whether you are lying or not, but then she stands up and walks towards you and places a hand on your forehead. "You feel a little warm."

Mid-day sleeping always makes you feel this way, but all you can think about is getting back into bed and sleeping some more.

Who knew lack of food would make you _this _exhausted?

"Try and eat something and then you can go to bed, okay?"

"mkay."

Dinner is a solemn affair. You don't bother with the food on your plate and you don't look up from the ground, you just listen to the conversation around you and keep your mouth shut. You notice that you feel ten times worse today than you have in weeks and it just makes you even more exhausted.

Once everyone has finished eating, Lena takes away plates and Stef stops everyone from leaving the table.

"It has come to my attention that we have a birthday in the room!" she chirps and everyone looks directly at you. You smile.

Lena leaves the room for a moment and comes back with a box wrapped in dark purple paper in her hands and gives it over to you, smiling from ear to ear. "Open it!"

You rip open the paper like normal people do and the first thing you see is the _Canon _logo and then a picture of a Camera. You gasp because it's not just a camera, it's one of those professional SLR camera's fully equipt with two lenses and a memory card and you are physically shaking.

Why? Why would they spend this kind of money on you? Why are they doing this? You don't deserve this. It doesn't make any sense.

You once got a box of chocolates for your birthday in a home and it was the best birthday since your mom died.

Now they're giving you a camera, knowing well how much you love photography. They know how much this means to you and how much you've wanted one of these for years and yet all it does is make you feel physically sick.

Why are they doing this?

"uh….this is…it's too much, I-I."

Stef Stops you and wraps her arms around you. "Nonsense. Happy birthday, Love."

They bring out cake and, in a perfect melody, everyone begins to sing to you with big smiles on their faces and huge candles on the cakes and, when they place it in front of you, your eyes begin to well up.

...

'_Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Callie, Happy birthday to you!" _

_You look around the table at all of your family and friends and you don't think you've ever been this happy before. You got a Barbie convertible, a Barbie dollhouse, Barbie bed sheets, art supplies and a chocolate cake and everyone is here to sing happy birthday. _

_They place the cake out in front of you and your mom smiles down at you. "Make a wish." _

_You inhale with everything you've got. _

_**I want to be this happy forever. **_

_Then you blow out all six of the candles in one go._

...

When you're no longer in the memory, you're looking at a vanilla cake and 17 candles and a different group of people who like you just the same. You're looking at a wish that was never granted, at a life that has never been quite as easy, at a brother who thinks you are the best thing in the world. You're looking at people who are going to disappoint you, and a cake that is going to make more room for darkness and they expect you to make a wish when you blow out the candles, but you just close your eyes and exhale and stand up and leave the table with tears in your eyes.

You go to the bathroom, close the door and stand on the scale and sigh when you notice that you are still 110 after a long day of eating nothing at all and doing nothing at all and you wish that it were easier than having to wait for a new day to see a new number. You wish it would just go down as you willed it. You don't understand why you feel so wrong because today was supposed to be _right _because it was an even number and you are 1lb closer to your next goal and you got a new camera and Stef and Lena love you even though you left school early and they still got you a birthday cake, even if it wasn't chocolate and they still sang happy birthday, but you just feel like today was rock bottom and you can't quite figure out why.

And you don't figure out why until Stef finds you in the kitchen at 3am with a slice of untouched vanilla cake sitting in front of you having a stare off.

"You gonna eat that?" she asks, taking a seat next to you.

"Why do we always end up here?"

Stef smiles and shrugs her shoulders. "We're the night owls of the family."

You let out a dry laugh and look down at the cake, thinking about the 350 calories staring back at you, about what they would do to your progress. "My mom always got chocolate."

Stef gets herself a slice and moves back to the same spot at the table with you. "Oh? You don't like vanilla?"

You shrug and take a deep breath. "I do. She just thought that chocolate was everyone's favourite and that a birthday cake was nothing if it wasn't made entirely of every type of chocolate you could get."

"Sounds like a good cake. I'll remember that for next time."

"mmm."

Stef takes a huge bite of the cake and looks at you intently like she's waiting for you to talk to her, but you aren't entirely sure what it is you want to say. You don't really want to say anything at all.

Sometimes, silence makes things easier.

Stef waits a few minutes before she says anything again. "You don't like birthdays, do you?"

You shake your head and push the cake around on your plate distantly.

"Everyone here loves them."

You look at her and watch as a small smile appears on her lips, you think she must be remembering all the birthdays that have happened over the years. You think it must be so easy to fall into the memories of a family that still exists. When you remember, all you get is nausea.

"That's good." You whisper, your voice monotonous when you want it to be kind.

"My mom used to put everything aside for our birthdays. I guess it's just hard to enjoy them now because they never really measure up." You take the smallest bite of the sponge and you savour the sweetness on your tongue, chewing as slowly as you can. You know you'll regret this later, but sometimes you can't stop yourself from being weak. "You guys came close though. Thanks."

What you want to say is _please don't do it again _because you can't let them think it's okay to spend money on you and fuss over you. What you want to say is _please don't give me a taste of what I can't have once I leave here _because you want her to understand what this does to you. What you want to say is _please leave me alone_ but you just sit in a comfortable silence and stare at the piece of cake on the plate in front of you.

Sometimes, you want them to take you in their arms and never let you go.

Most of the time, you know that you will eventually have to say goodbye.

You can't miss what you never let yourself have.

"Are you still unhappy?" Stef speaks into the silence.

You look up from the cake and shake your head slowly. "no." you say.

Although you know that it is a lie and you know that she knows that too because she gives you a look that says _how can I help _and her mouth opens like she is about to speak, but the words die on her tongue and her head dips down as she sighs.

A few minutes later, her hand covers yours on the table and she looks at you closely. "I'm here."

Then she goes to bed and mumbles something about how you have to get to sleep aswell.

You realise that the reason you are this low today, the reason that it doesn't matter that you've hit 110 and that you've been given presents and cake and been sung to, is because you aren't so sure you're ever going to experience it again.

This is as good as it gets and you haven't even had the chance to enjoy it.

God, you wish you hadn't eaten that mouthful of cake.


End file.
